What an unusual year 2020 was for me, my loved ones, family, neighbours, community and the global village we call planet earth.
We experienced great change alongside loss, crisis, grief, uncertainty, despair, anger, sadness and a whirlwind of emotions. But with this comes renewal, rebalance, rejuvenation, realignment, reevaluating and rewiring to make for a better planet. Maybe you can't see it now, but the universe and our planet have an intelligence that is much greater than our own.
For example: Did you know the Pecan tree works as a connective collective? The trees are continually communicating with each other above and underground to make sure that each tree has the best chance of producing pecans for their continual survival.
So too there is a communicative support system we humans do not hear or see unless we tune in!
Ask yourself, how can you tune in more to yourself, partner, family and community?
How can you stop, listen and hear the whisper of your soul so you may follow your heart’s desire?
What is your heart’s desire?
Just when I thought I was gliding through 2020 the walls came crashing down.
I thought it was going to be the most amazing year ever. I had conquered my fears by going online with my online breathwork and tarot courses, then hit full steam facilitating self love and breathwork retreats.
Best of all, I was feeling so excited and alive to announce I was FINALLY PREGNANT! with my last round of IVF which was gifted to me by my loving sister. Could life get any better?
My sister had offered me her last embryo a year ago, but I had refused to take up the offer. I felt I had moved on but as time passed I started to believe and convince myself maybe this was my time to receive, to conceive and finally give unconditional love.
I thought maybe I was coming from a place of fear and needed to just let go and take this offer.
After much deliberation with myself, my partner and my family I accepted the embryo and felt the whole universe was conspiring for this to happen. Why not? I had let go and grieved in many of my breathwork sessions. My mind was telling me this was my good karma for finally letting the idea completely go and I would be rewarded for putting in the hard work.
The embryo did not take.
And now here I am with only the same grief and despair I had 3 years ago just sadder, angrier, older and mistrusting of the universe.
I have even begun to distrust myself, I am angry for believing myself. I saw my baby, I named her, I saw her in my arms, I cradled her to sleep and I saw our future together, I even heard her speak to me.
How did I get it so wrong?
I allowed myself to believe she was coming into every cell of my body. I gave myself permission to create the perfect womb and environment, watching my food intake, stopping caffeine and exercising. I created the perfect life so she was ready to enter mine.
So what went wrong? What's wrong with me and how did I stuff up so badly?
I felt like I have let everyone down, my family, my stepkids, my partner and even you. I thought this new life, this miracle baby would prove that love wins and that by letting go and trusting the process, what is meant for you will arrive, in its own way, in its own time.
What I have experienced over the past three months has really shaken my foundations of spirit, of love and gratitude. There is a part of me that is damn angry at the universe. You made me look like a fool! How can I trust you again? Why is there so much pain and suffering? So what do I do now with this anger, disappointment and grief?
I sit with it, I fight with it, I yell at night! I love it, I thank it, it has made me stronger, wiser, fiercer, more passionate, more forceful, more assertive and more present.
It has made me question if the little girl I so truly desire me? Is it me who I am searching for? Is it me who needs nurturing, unconditional love and stable home?
The 10 days I believed I was pregnant was the most connected I had felt in years. I felt alive, I felt I had purpose, I felt deeply connected. It was easy to eat healthily and make choices that felt right for me. So why when it all falls apart and life does not meet our expectations do we go back to our old habits and hang onto grief and suffering?
My response to believing I was pregnant brought out the best in me. It gave me a drive and passion to live my best life and to express and create my highest self. That drive is always there, just waiting to be harnessed with creative expression. Mine was a baby.
Let's say I choose to love myself and look after myself for myself rather than to have this child. If I can love myself for the reason to have a child I can love myself simply because I am alive.
I stand before you today to let you know that no matter who you are and where you are on your spiritual journey, life may take you by surprise and give you lemons when you expected honey and wine. No one is exempt from life’s sorrow and grief. No matter how many meditations, breathwork sessions and spiritual awakenings we encounter no one is exempt from suffering.
After struggling to get established as a writer and to find peace without needing a partner to fill a void, Elizabeth Gilbert undertook a spiritual pilgrimage that led to her bestseller, Eat, Pray, Love. She thought her story was complete when she married Jose Nunes. But after 9 years she faced a fresh challenge after realising her friendship with her hairdresser Rayya Elias was a soulmate connection. Upon being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, Gilbert nursed Rayya to her death and once again had to navigate a fresh cycle of grief.
Liz Gilbert regarded her partner "my love, my heart, my best friend, my teacher, my rebel, my angel, my protector, my challenger, my partner, my muse, my wizard, my surprise, my gift, my comet, my liberator, my rock star, my completely impossible non-cooperator, my otherworldly visitor, my spiritual portal, and my baby."
After Kornél Mundruczó’s wife miscarried he produced a film Pieces of a Woman. It reveals how grief can ricochet from an internal state to cause havoc in our external lives. The movie might be harrowing to watch but it is ultimately uplifting as it shows that grief is the thread that connects us all and does more than anything else to dismantle the separation myth.
Our grief and suffering are caused by a misconception that something is missing, and that life would be better if we just had that baby, had that house, had our mother/grandmother back from the other side.
But our grief is real, it is a response and process we move through as we navigate separation, separation from the life we had dreamed of, separation from our loved ones, separation from our children, family, home, community, nature and from the divine itself.
Grief can not be fixed or measured by time. For some grief will always be with us and we just learn to live side by side. Sometimes friends and sometimes foe, it can return at any moment and it can be the catalyst for our return to spirit. Spirit is always present whether we acknowledge it or not. The veil of separation can lift at any moment giving rise to the constant and unwavering love of the divine where everything that ever was and is exists.
So I am here now in my full power ready to help you as you navigate life’s journey. The celebrations, the downfalls and everything in between.
And so I can’t help but think that this event is one more piece of training as I work with people through my spiritual retreats and other modalities of spiritual healing. Spiritual healing books are a real treasure but book knowledge can't compete with life experience.
My favourite saying is “You can only take others as far as you have taken yourself.”
Let me tell you I have been there, I have fallen, I have died and I have resurrected again and again and again. And I will fall again before the illusion is over.
Being gentle, forgiving and gracious with ourselves is one of the best things we can do to work through our pain. As Elizabeth Gilbert put it:
“Dear Ones, may your heart have mercy today on your poor, tired mind. Offer yourself some grace.”
In light & love,